Chapter 36. Souper Story
ABN NewsFlash Friday, November 29
A Souper Story Comes To An Interesting End
No one can forget the scene two and a half decades ago when the woman whom some claim be the world’s most generous woman, a nominee for the upcoming Nobel Peace Prize, Miss Pumpernickel Bread, sacrificed her life to serve soup to residents in her neighborhood. Her death brought life to a small town that had been economically lost on the map. From one single event this town got a new name, a new industry and a new spirit, but one thing it has lacked, and missed, all these years has been the living hero that embodies Miss Pumpernickel Bread.
Many have tried to forget the little boy whom Miss Pumpernickel Bread virtually exchanged her life for, but none have ever succeeded. Kevin has become a household name with constant reminders at the lunch and dinner tables, around the family television set, in department and grocery stores. Since he mysteriously disappeared two decades ago, virtually everyone in the country has asked themselves at least once a day, even if just repeating the canned soup jingle, “Where’s Kevin?”
Well, tonight, we have an answer to that very question. For reasons none other than the guidance of Miss Pumpernickel Bread herself, Kevin appeared at our ABN office. Although we had initial doubts about the words the man who appeared to us spoke, the bag of goods he carried unmistakably identified him as the man behind the name. Dressed in the clothes of his occupation, that of a Sanitation Engineer, fighting a speech impediment, dawning facial hair that makes him look twice his age, and smelling like the sewers have been his bathtub, Kevin displayed for our ABN team of investigators the soup bowl which Miss Pumpernickel Bread served him, photographs of and birthday cards from her, clippings of newspaper articles about Miss Pumpernickel Bread, Kevin and Sarah FoldEconomy — Miss Pumpernickel Bread’s sister in seclusion — and scrapbooks of things he’d collected over the years.
At first, Kevin denied his identity, claiming that he had found the bag filled with objects in the lawn of a local church. But our linguistic specialist, deciphering Kevin’s choppy, sometimes at best, syllabic, speech impediment, has worked hard to get a true confession from him. He suggests Kevin made up the story to try to keep his identity a secret. Kevin also told our linguist that Miss Pumpernickel Bread spoke to him from the objects and told him that if he brought them to the ABN office, the famous story of the prince and the pauper would repeat itself. There is only one person who Miss Pumpernickel Bread can speak directly to, and ABN now has him. ABN is also taking responsibility to fulfill Miss Pumpernickel Bread’s request to return him to his princedom.
But the answer to the question everyone is probably wondering still remains a mystery: “How could a child hero destined for great expectations, in today’s world, end up so neglected by a society that cared so much for him?”
Tomorrow night our NIGHTNEWS correspondents will conduct an exclusive interview with linguist Dr. Buck Spinalhorn who may have answers to that question and more.
Stay tuned for more information as we begin our series of exclusive reports: KEVIN WATCH.
Chapter 37. Pressure Kills Boy Hero
A1 THE TIMES GAZETTE Sunday, December, 1
Pressure Kills Boy Hero
BEAR RIVER WOODS, Nov. 30 (AP) - The BRWPD has found evidence which suggests that the man found late Tuesday afternoon wearing a pair of tree branches, formed to look like antlers, on his head and bleeding from the chest is Kevin, the famous recipient of soup from the legendary Miss Pumpernickel Bread.
Contrary to the report ABN News made yesterday afternoon, Investigating Officer Frank Connell of the BRWPD stated, “We found the hunting license issued to Kevin on the body.” Police are still waiting for witnesses of the shooting and people to identify the body to step forward.
“ABN may have been rash,” said Connell, “in making their claim on the identity of the man who appeared to them. They’re trying to conduct their own investigation.” Until the police can interrogate the ABN client, Connell says the police investigation may stagnate.
No one needs to be reminded of the
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story where Miss Pumpernickel Bread, whom some claim will be the next Nobel Peace Prize winner, passed her life through a bowl of soup to Kevin. When Miss Pumpernickel Bread died in the tenth year of her coma, Kevin virtually disappeared.
Both the ABN reports and the police reports claim that he has returned, but police officials are still uncertain.
“At this point we don’t have any information leading to the cause.” Connell said. “We haven’t found any evidence to suggest suicide, so we are still disregarding that possibility at present. With ABN’s cooperation we may find more information.”
The BRWPD again has urged anyone with information to call 1-800-MAN-HUNT ext. (SHOT).
Specialists at the SPRC (Sociological and Psychological Research Committee) in Westmoreland offered statistics stating that the pressure of expectations from the company, the family and society were the cause of 98% of the suicide cases last year.
Internationally they account for 87% |
of all suicide cases. SPRC say Kevin’s case is only one common example in a long history of social problems.
Residents of Souptown, as it has been referred to since the famous party say the case disappoints them.
Beth Moringer, a 27-year-old resident said, “The last thing I expected was for him to kill himself. We expected a lot more.” Many in the town expressed the same sentiments as they prepared a vigil to wait out more details in the case.
Marcia Tanhauser, coordinator of the vigil said that soup will be served and the Cultural Heritage Society will be accepting donations, conducting raffles, offering lottery tickets and selling Miss Pumpernickel Bread and Kevin merchandise to try to raise money to help with the investigations. All inquiries should be directed to 1-800-BE-KEVIN. |
Chapter 38. Media - Police Wars: ABN vs. BRWPD
NBS New Report Transcript Sunday, December 1
MEDIA - POLICE WAR:
ABN vs. BRWPD
NBS News correspondent Bill Clark:
Due to conflicting reports suggesting a dual identity of Kevin, the recipient of the most generous gift in the world from Miss Pumpernickel Bread, the world’s next Novel Peace Prize winner, police and media companies are at arms.
Over the issue of the First Amendment Right to Freedom of the Press, the police department is having difficulty attaining a search warrant for the ABN office. Officials at the Bear River Woods Police Department believe there is a connection between the case of a sanitation worker who turned himself in to the ABN News room and that of a body found in Bear River Woods late last Tuesday.
ABN argues that since the sanitation worker, whose identity they defend with conviction as Kevin, came directly to their office on recommendation of Miss Pumpernickel Bread. The contents of the bag he offered them, as well as his person, are now contracted to ABN.
NBS’s Laura Jones interviewed ABN spokesperson, Emerson Threlszic, earlier today.
ABN spokesperson Emerson Threlszic:
“The information we have, as well as the goods and the client, are essentially the property of ABN. Kevin is newsworthy and an employee of ABN. If the courts released a search warrant allowing the police to enter our office and confiscate what is now ABN’s property, that would be an abridgement of the Constitution. The Police, for centuries, have served as the censors of the news by feeding information piece by piece to the viewers. The US Constitution says that the American people are entitled to receive all information, uncensored. I can’t imagine that the judicial branch of the government would step that far into hypocrisy and allow such a warrant to be issued.”
NBS News correspondent Bill Clark:
But police officials say that the information ABN has could lead to solving the case in Bear River Woods. Officer Frank Connell of the BRWPD made these statements earlier:
Officer Frank Connell of the BRWPD:
“We have conflicting reports about the identity of the man we found in the woods and the man ABN reported as Kevin. It’s impossible for both individuals to have the same identity. ABN is obstructing the investigation of a possible murder case where their client could be either a key witness or suspect.”
NBS News correspondent Bill Clark:
When asked if ABN planned to block the police investigation, Mr. Threlzsic said:
ABN spokesperson Emerson Threlszic:
“We won’t block the investigation because the American people are entitled to know what’s happening. We have our own team of ABN News investigators who are trained and competent in police work. They work for the network and therefore work for the people bringing all the news to them as they get it.”
NBS News correspondent Bill Clark:
Mr. Threlszic also said that ABN paid an unspecified sum of money for the evidence and for Kevin to remain silent. When asked further about the amount, Threlszic said it was a private contract between ABN and Kevin but confirmed that ABN fulfilled Miss Pumpernickel Bread’s promise.
Not only is ABN refusing to release their information to the police, but they are also keeping the information from other networks and news agencies. Dr. Robert Smithson of Harvard University’s Social Economics Department suggests that ABN is trying to monopolize the market.
Dr. Robert Smithson of Harvard University:
“Basically, they’re turning a life threatening situation into a marketing scheme. By manipulating the interests of the viewers, they are trying to make a profit. It’s a kind of megalomaniacal symptom of trying to show that they are more trustworthy than the police, as well as other networks.”
NBS News correspondent Bill Clark:
In defense of Dr.Smithson’s claims, we conducted a poll of TV viewers asking whom they trusted more, the media or the police. The results suggest that 62% of the viewers trust the media, 21% trust the police and 17% don’t trust either. For an explanation of these results, we asked our staff sociologist, Bob Clinton.
NBS staff sociologist Bob Clinton:
“These results are not so surprising, Bill. When you think of it, people are usually more willing to trust the faces they recognize. If a family eats dinner with, falls asleep to, essentially lives with and maintains a friendship with the same newscaster every evening of their life, they grow to trust them. But if they’re introduced to a police investigator, or a sociologist like myself, for the first time, they will naturally doubt the unfamiliar face. So, you’re a household name, Bill.”
NBS News correspondent Bill Clark:
If that’s the case Bob, should I expect a few more Christmas presents this year?
Entire NBS News staff: (laughs)
NBS News correspondent Bill Clark:
That ends our feature story for tonight. We’ll have more on this story and others tomorrow at six. I’m Bill Clark, save a place for me at dinner, and good night.
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